Girl, Walk Away from That Table.

I think there’s something we can all relate to from one season of life or another, and that’s knowing when to “leave the table”. And I mean that figuratively, and personally… it’s been literally for me a couple times. With friends, at work events, etc. Walking away from tables that simply aren’t meant for you, don’t grow you, and don’t build you up is so hard, and so vital to our success. This is one of the hardest things to get accustomed to as a young lady, but I can confidently say that the last few years of my life I’ve become quite comfortable getting up, wiping my hands, and removing myself from people and situations that aren’t adding to my life or pulling me closer to God. 

I have been feeling such an overwhelming need to write about this for so long, without knowing how, and it’s finally come full circle for me and I’m confident in my decisions and feel peace about sharing some of wisdom for any other young girls struggling to find their sense of self and wanting to protect who they are becoming at all costs. The thing is- we all WORRY too much about what others think of us. Especially as women. 

I hope I didn’t sound too harsh. 

I hope I wasn’t too much. 

I hope I wasn’t too quiet. 

I hope I wasn’t annoying. 

Did I talk too much? 

Did I say the right thing? 

Did they look at me funny? 

Are they mad at me? 

I hope I get invited. 

Have I attended enough events? 

I hope they don’t get mad at me for being tired. 

Am I dressed okay? 

Is my makeup just right? 

All these silly things that we get caught up in because we care what others think of us too much. I used to be SO guilty of this and worried CONSTANTLY about how I was being perceived and measuring up in other peoples’ eyes. It wasn’t an overnight transition for me, truly, but over time I noticed that I felt a pull to keep myself in perfect alignment with every single friend I EVER made and felt so personally rejected anytime they seemed to grow distant or displeased with me. And I’m talking about EVERY SINGLE friend, from preschool up, because small towns… hello. That was SUCH an unhealthy way to live. And I carried it with me into my life in Waco as an independent adult, too. Until I realized one day while reading scripture, I really don’t care to stretch and bend myself into uncomfortable versions of me that don’t align with who God is creating me to be. I found myself going to any and every single event I was invited to, because… I was invited. I didn’t want people to judge me or be upset at me for not going. But I am such a home body. And I teach to my fullest capacity every single day. And I have pets. And I’m blessed with a home I get to clean. And I’m TIRED. And I LOVE being home. So I started setting more of a boundary in that way for myself- if I’m feeling burnt out, tired, or overwhelmed by the idea of something, I am not going to force myself to go for the sake of being seen. 

But woah- that was NOT okay with some people. Especially over time. I took note. 

Similarly, I don’t really love gossiping about people. And I was in some circles that seemed to be filled with constant chit chat about everyone and everything they did wrong. Like… every day. I wasn’t really all about that, but hey, we all need to vent! I get it! I have my people I vent and rant to when I need to verbally process and get it all out! No shame! I’ll be someone you can vent to, 100%. But… when it’s turning into a one sided street, where one is allowed to vent or gossip, but you are told your “drama” is too heavy and constant… ouch. We can’t listen, but we can be listened to. That’s not community. I took note. 

I kept taking these emotional hits, from multiple different friend groups I was forcing myself to mold into, and I kept trying and trying to edit this about myself and change that so I could better fit in, and one night I just genuinely found myself at a function with some friends, and I looked around the table and realized that almost every single one of them had a deep and personal issue with everyone at the table, and is that really friends? It wasn’t “friends” I cared to be a part of because if I was being completely honest, I felt like I was abandoning a lot of parts of myself to try and be there in the fullest capacity, and it wasn’t adding anything to my cup. I had never felt more drained and insecure in my life. And I don’t want to be friends with people who make me feel like that. You know the feeling- where you have to be at the right place, say the right things, wear the right things, believe the right things, have money for the right things, and I just… couldn’t keep up anymore. Physically or emotionally. So, I wiped my hands, and stood up from the table. I left. It wasn’t a big, dramatic exit. It never has to be. But I made my exit. I had finally felt secure enough in who I was with God and who He was molding me into, that I didn’t care to have friends just because and sit in rooms with well known people just because they’re well known. I don’t care, at all, actually. I want to be the kindest, happiest, best version of myself. And if that means leaving tables that are full of comparison, gossip, nitpicking your faults and overlooking their own, one sided support, unfair expectations, vanity, and just overall not being kind and genuine- I will do that. I’ve done that. Several times over. And that’s part of the gift of discernment that I am becoming less and less ashamed of everyday. When God tells me it’s time, I listen. I take note and I push in my chair on my way out. Because my peace and image of self in God is not worth hurtful comments and inconsistent expectations from other people.

And I hope you know that this is not always comfortable. Sometimes it’s sad. Sometimes it hurts, a lot. Sometimes it’s SO hard and awkward to be the person saying, “I don’t think we should talk about them when they’re not here to defend themselves.” But when God lets you know, listen. Whether it’s friends, work, colleagues, classmates, or friends of friends- respect yourself enough to leave environments that are causing you to wilt and not stand tall in who God made you to be. We have to prune our garden, and it’s healthy to do so. Part of that is acknowledging that while the dead flower was once beautiful, it’s now hindering our growth and we need to appreciate it for what it was, while stepping into a fresh new season. 

xx,

Tay