Dear Sister,

Hey sis, I know you are so in love with this person and future you have designed for yourself- but let’s talk. 

Have you heard the story of Ruth and Boaz? Essentially, it’s (arguably) one of the best love stories in the Bible. The plot goes as such, “Ruth, a widow and full-time carer of her mother-in-law, Naomi, took up work with Naomi’s relative, Boaz. Ruth, providing for the mother of her deceased husband, was seen as a noble by Boaz, and he looked upon her favorably – despite the fact she was a ‘foreigner’. Boaz cared for Ruth, and sent her to work in a field full of young women to ensure that the young men didn’t assault her.

Ruth sleeps with Boaz (no hanky-panky) and is told that, should she not find a “redeemer” that Boaz himself will “redeem” her (all feels particularly sexual to me…). A potential redeemer comes, but is put off when Boaz tells that Ruth is part of the deal; apparently he was only after the land and not a woman on the side. Therefore, Boaz takes Ruth as his wife and with it inherits her land – thus keeping it in the family.” If you didn’t catch it- this is a perfect example of Biblical love, since Boaz kept Ruth’s best interest at heart during this whole process. He wants her to be safe. That is a huge part of what true love is- it’s caring for each other, protecting each other, supporting one another and keeping the other person’s best interest at heart. What do you think love is? I know what I used to think it was, once upon a time. I thought love was sparks. I thought love was fireworks and passion. Not always true. When reflecting on an old relationship, one I intend to remember well, forever, to teach from and gain wisdom from for my own future children, I think about how all we seemed to have was passion. Never-ending passion. The kind of passion that you wake up for and can’t ignore throughout your typical day to day- it consumed me! Truly! All I could think about was this relationship and the butterflies it seemed to make me feel. Why did I hold on to this so tightly? I was taught, by movies, books and TV shows, that this was love. I confused passion for love. 

But they’re the same thing right?? Don’t they go hand in hand??

Not always.

When I look back at this relationship, there was actually hardly any love. At least not romantic love, like I thought at the time. There was a whole lot of passion, though. That’s just as good, if not better, right?

I mean we were SO passionate- so passionate that we would fight about any and everything, with our whole beings, screaming at each other just to try and be louder, meaner, more correct. We would fight and fight until I was in tears, he was so angry he couldn’t look at me, and then we would take some time, kiss and make up, and wow- look at us getting closer and stronger- with all this passion- goals, right? And after each fight- we were perfect, we were… until the next fight.

If you want the sexual passion and desire that the media pushes to tweens and teens through TV shows and movies, you can strive for that. BUT- having lived through a passionate relationship, even if the passion survives and you stick in the relationship, will you really be happy and fulfilled? Or are you sticking through a miserable 22 hours a day for the 2 that are magical and amazing? Temporary moments of happiness do not even begin to compare to a lifetime of true joy. 

Relationships, even the right ones where you continuously care for each other, require work. A lot of work. Some days it isn’t fun, but there’s a very obvious line between healthy conflict and unhealthy relationships- and if we are being honest- you know where you stand, wherever that may be. 

The world is going to try and tell you something different, but I am telling you- jealousy, pain, fear, impurity, selfishness, manipulation, degrading comments, gaslighting- ALL these are components of an unhealthy relationship. A relationship God doesn’t intend for you to stay in for the duration of your precious life. These qualities in a relationship should NOT be considered normal. I am a huge fan of The Vampire Diaries, right, but Elena and Damon’s “I hate you. I love you. I hate that I love you.” is TOXIC. The world tries to tell you that is normal, that is healthy, everybody with passion and sparks has a relationship like this, but is that really what you want? It’s fed to us as “normal” and “attractive” but it is actually going to leave you lonely and hurting. 

Temporary moments of happiness may be the things you are holding on to, but if you are left with a gut-wrenching heartbreak at the end of every day you spend with this person, that’s not a healthy relationship- that’s the false passion I was talking about.

So what is your goal in this relationship? To get by and go through the motions? Or do you want true joy and true love?

I recognize that many of you who read this are going to roll your eyes and say, “Taylor, I hear what you are saying. This relationship may not be the absolute best but I have invested so much time, so many tears and the good moments are SO good, the chemistry is unmatched and when we unite, it’s magical.” 

With love, I’m rolling my eyes back at you now. 

If this sounds like you or your relationship, you are in survival mode. You are not in love, you are in the idea of love that you created for yourself. 

1 Corinthians chapter 13. That is the truth about love. 

Compare your relationship with those words in the Bible. See where that leaves you. 

I am so grateful I moved past my period of living in relationship survival mode. I found a love that makes me feel cared for, pursued, valuable, beautiful and seen. This love creates a new passion, a healthy passion, for my desire to chase the life God wants for us. This passion keeps me from being afraid of the future and makes me excited for all the things to come. 

Find someone willing to go further than survival mode and chase God together. That will fuel the passion that The Lord placed inside of you, not the one you tried to force for yourself. 

xx, 

Tay 

“Remember that man cannot open a door that God wants closed.” - unknown